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Subject Topic: My Thread - the best jokes ever Post Reply Post New Topic
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Indubioproreo
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Posted: 15/July/2004 at 14:46 | IP Logged  |  Copy the link in order to refer to this post Quote Indubioproreo

Rules: Post the best jokes you know about. 
If I can't laugh for at least 10 seconds I will edit your post. Every post must include a joke.

 

Theres a Russian, a Cuban, an Englishman and a Pakistani on a train, the Russian takes out a bottle of his best vodka, drinks a bit and throws the rest off the train and says 'theres plenty more of that where i come from'.
The others are impressed so the Cuban takes out one of the finest havana cigars, takes one puff and throws it off the train and says 'theres plenty more of those where i come from'.
Again everyone is rather impressed so the Englishman stands up and throws the Pakistani off the train...

************************

Heaven is where the lovers are Italian, the cooks are French, the
mechanics are German, the police are British and everything is organized
by the Swiss.  Hell is where the lovers are Swiss, the cooks are British,
the mechanics are French, the police are German and everything is
organized by the Italians.

 

Yes! They are racist!!!!!!!!

 

 

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PenguDaPenguin
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Posted: 16/July/2004 at 09:40 | IP Logged  |  Copy the link in order to refer to this post Quote PenguDaPenguin

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.

A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

"Why, officer?" asks the blonde.

"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed."

"Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!"

**********************************************************

Well I think G.W Quotes are jokes so heres some of my fav's !

Pennsylvania's unemployment rate is 5.1 percent. That's good news for people who are trying to find jobs.
Pennsylvania, Jul. 9, 2004

**********************************************************

During a period of war, it's hard for the economy to grow because people don't feel confident. The concept of war is negative, not positive. I don't know if you remember, but we used to have on our TV screens, "March to War," and if you're a small business owner or a big business owner, when you're thinking you're marching to war, there's a sense of uncertainty with that.

Smoketown, Pennsylvania, Jul. 9, 2004

**********************************************************

It's amazing with the software that has been developed these days that enable a camera to distinguish the difference between a squirrel and a bomb. Washington, D.C., Jun. 24, 2004

**********************************************************

And My absolute favourite

"The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the—the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice."—Washington, D.C., Oct. 27, 2003
GW Bush

 

http://www.dubyaspeak.com



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PenguDaPenguin
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Posted: 16/July/2004 at 09:46 | IP Logged  |  Copy the link in order to refer to this post Quote PenguDaPenguin

 
Indubioproreo wrote:
If I can't laugh for at least 10 seconds I will edit your post

Can you do that ?

************************************************************

By making the right choices, we can make the right choice for our future.
-- Flawless logic, Dallas, Texas, Jul. 18, 2003


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tude dog
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Posted: 17/July/2004 at 02:47 | IP Logged  |  Copy the link in order to refer to this post Quote tude dog

Two Irishmen are on a boat fishing in a lake.

One of them snags a bottle and while trying to untwine it a Genie pops out!

Genie says to the Irishman, "I been in that bottle for over a thousand years, and because your freed me, I shall give you one wish."

The Irishman thinks a moment and says, "Change all the water in this lake into beer."

Genie says, "DONE", disappears in a puff of smoke, and the water of the lake is now beer.

The lucky Irishman looks at his partner and says, "Well, what do you think?"

His buddy "I think you are an asshole, now we have to piss in the boat!"

Q. Why do brides always wear white?

A. So it won't clash with the refrigerator or washing machine.

Q. Why do women have small feet?

A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q. What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

A. Nothing, she has already been told twice.

A Christian goes out on an African safari. On one beautiful morning he goes out for a little walk on his own. After a while in the plains he spots a lion, and the beast eyeing the Christian is hungrily licking his chops.

The Christian gripped with fear realizes he did not bring a gun with him breaks out into a full run towards the camp. Running as fast as he can, huffing and puffing he realizes he will not make it to camp in time so he stops.

Down on his knees the Christian prays, "Dear God, please make this lion a Christian."

As the lion is ready to pounce a miracle happens and the lion stops short, bends down in prayer, "Dear God, Please Bless this Food."

 



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tude dog
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Posted: 17/July/2004 at 04:38 | IP Logged  |  Copy the link in order to refer to this post Quote tude dog

In the category of just don't get it,

PenguDaPenguin wrote:
Indubioproreo wrote: If I can't laugh for at least 10 seconds I will edit your post Can you do that ?



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PenguDaPenguin
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Posted: 17/July/2004 at 11:10 | IP Logged  |  Copy the link in order to refer to this post Quote PenguDaPenguin

 
tude dog wrote:
In the category of just don't get it,

 

 



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Posted: 17/July/2004 at 11:14 | IP Logged  |  Copy the link in order to refer to this post Quote PenguDaPenguin

If you dont know what "fuck" means

http://www.funnyjunk.com/pages/history.htm



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Yawn
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Posted: 17/July/2004 at 17:23 | IP Logged  |  Copy the link in order to refer to this post Quote Yawn

 My nomination:

A baby seal walks into a club...




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cwintraining
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Posted: 17/July/2004 at 17:37 | IP Logged  |  Copy the link in order to refer to this post Quote cwintraining

 We have a version of Indubio's joke here.

An American, a Russian and a Cuban are on a boat in the ocean. The Russian takes out a bottle of vodka, drinks some and throws the rest into the ocean and says 'There's plenty more of that where I come from'.
Next, the Cuban takes out one of the finest Havana cigars, takes one puff and throws it into the ocean and says 'There's plenty more of those where I come from'. The American stands up and throws the Cuban off the boat.

(I might add that this was told to me by someone who was half Cuban, which made it that much funnier)



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twiw
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Yawn wrote:

 My nomination:

A baby seal walks into a club...

 

I didn't get that at first but then:

 



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tude dog
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Posted: 29/July/2004 at 03:09 | IP Logged  |  Copy the link in order to refer to this post Quote tude dog

Q. Why did the Black parents not want their son to marry an illegal Mexican?

A. They did not want their grandchildren to grow up to lazy to steal.

Q. Why do Mexicans eat refried beans?

A. Because they can't get it right the first time.



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Indubioproreo
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Posted: 29/July/2004 at 14:12 | IP Logged  |  Copy the link in order to refer to this post Quote Indubioproreo

 
tude dog wrote:
Q. Why did the Black parents not want their son to marry an illegal Mexican?

 A. They did not want their grandchildren to grow up to lazy to steal.

(in violation of my own rules)

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Stolzer Deutscher
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Wer war die erste Fußballmannschaft? Jesus und seine Jünger, denn in der Bibel steht:
- 'Jesus stand im Tor von Nazareth und seine Jünger standen abseits.'

 

Was ist ein Perpetuum mobile? Das ist ein Schotte, der einem Schwaben hinterherrennt, der ihm 10 Cents schuldet.

 

Im Süden der USA liegt ein toter Farbiger auf der Straße. Der Sheriff
untersucht die Leiche, findet 23 Einschußstellen und sagt: "Mein Gott, so
einen schlimmen Selbstmord habe ich noch nie gesehen!"

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tude dog
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Mexican Earthquake;
 
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter Scale hit Mexico.
 
Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.
 
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
 
The rest of the world is in shock.
 
Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army control the riots.
 
The European community is sending food and money.
 
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.
 
 


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Posted: 19/August/2004 at 02:06 | IP Logged  |  Copy the link in order to refer to this post Quote twiw

 

I heard that one tonight. It's really hard to translate jokes into English, so you might not get the meaning. I try:

Biology class, kindergarden: Teacher is explaining the kids that humans have many body parts twice: arms, legs,...
Now she asks Johnny what else there is that humans have twice
Johnny: "Eyes!.............. Ears!..........Dicks!"
Teacher: "Very good Johnny, excellent! But you are somehow confused, men don't have two dicks."
Johnny: "Of course they have. I know that my dad has two."
Teacher: "Johnny, umm, you're still somehow confused, your dad can't have two of them. Men have only one."
Johnny: "Don't you tell me bullshit, I saw it with my own eyes. My dad has two dicks. The small one he uses for taking a leak after work. And the big one mom uses to brush her teeth with at night"

 




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tude dog
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Posted: 19/August/2004 at 02:18 | IP Logged  |  Copy the link in order to refer to this post Quote tude dog

 
twiw wrote:
I heard that one tonight. It's really hard to translate jokes into English, so you might not get the meaning. I try

ugh, not to worry,,it translated all to well.



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